Young: Infirmity as a Beach Boys song

WACO, Texas — You know you're slowing down when . . .

The whole of the "Viva Viagra" commercial passes between your lobes before your cerebral cortex tells your remote hand to vaporize it.

You sit there, unable to respond, as three hillbillies have a studio git-down with lyrics like, "Now this old toad is sick of the road, I can't wait."

Then, you realize that you — yes, you — are the target audience. Demographically speaking, that is. This is a disconcerting thought.

How many times have my wife and I turned to each other and intoned, "You're not the target audience"? Billions and billions.

But with increased frequency, a horrifying reality registers in my slow-responding brain. The "word from our sponsor" is meant for me, like the bleached, beckoning finger of the Grim Reaper.

That ad for an arthritis drug — it's meant for me. I don't have arthritis. But the commercial has me in mind, and it makes arthritis look like so much fun. I don't need adult diapers, either. But look at that commercial, what confidence they engender. Who couldn't use a little of that?

If I'm lucky, maybe the aging process will speed up and I can join in all that self-assuredness before my time. This is all about marketing, of course. But one wonders: As opposed to, say, a Snickers bar, which you can take or leave depending on your mood, adult diapers aren't exactly impulse buys.

So why advertise? Either your need 'em or you don't.

Maybe the marketers of motorized scooters for the elderly and disabled will shed light on this. Either you need one or you don't.

So I'd like to quiz the maker of one commercial that's set to a knock-off of the Beach Boys' "Fun, Fun, Fun." A smiling pitchman tells us of what a great investment a scooter is. In the background, senior citizens who apparently can't use their legs are going up hills and down dales, doing NASCAR donuts and figure-eights, everything but wheelies.

Atrophied legs never looked so healthful. Absurd? You bet. But it takes a moment for this slow-reacting brain to realize that the Beach Boys tune is meant to captivate, yes, people like me.

"Therefore, send not to know for whom the bell tolls. It tolls for thee." But who asked for John Donne's opinion?

It's my generation that's slowing down. So much so that advertisers on motorized vehicles are chasing us down at 4.5 mph. These marketers know they are soon to have a captive audience — or an audience susceptible to being caught.

A local doctor complains about how so many fraudulent applications are being made for these scooters. People who don't need them have been told Medicare will pay for them.

With advertising like this, once sufficient numbers of baby boomers are of age, these scooters will be as ubiquitous as toenail clippers.

As we entered middle age, a degree of umbrage tinged the "not the target audience" exchange between my wife and me. We were hurt as a whole world of marketing, exploitation and Pavlovian conditioning passed us by.

Now we see the other side of middle age in the distance, and the merchandisers have us back in their sights. Join me as I tell myself, "Don't let them see you salivate."

John Young writes for the Waco Tribune-Herald.